Today has not been the day I envisioned it to be. But then thats a bit of a theme for 2020 isn’t it.
For those of you following yuletide this year you can read yesterday’s post here where I share my thoughts on the eve before solstice and honouring our family ancestors.
So back to today. I had quite the ambitious plan of a yummy woodland walk, decorating our yule log, writing our gratitudes and wishes, decorating Christmas cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows in the fire light as the sun set for the longest night.
But I didn’t take into account little things like it being a Monday after my kids have been away for the weekend at their dads, me experiencing PMDD again this month, my eldest swapping sleep cycles to that of a vampire and the broadband engineers coming out.
These are all things I generally deal with and flow with well, but not so much when in the grips of day 7/10 of PMDD.
Nothing like the longest night to really push all those shadows to the surface to be looked at in one go eh?
A picture tells a thousands words doesnt it?Well not this one. It doesn’t tell of the refusal to participate this year. The difficulties some of my children had in finding gratitude for anything despite my support and suggestions.
My tears and aching heart that maybe I haven’t done enough to keep their hearts full and buoyant in the face of this difficult year. The overwhelm on what is usually a day of celebration for me and joy for the children.
To pretend our practice is fine this year, feels untrue and inauthentic, Its not fine and its not the same as before, but its important that this is acknowledged. Back when our people didn’t know the sun would return, I can’t imagine they would have been celebrating this long dark night either!
Fires were lit to keep the darkness and cold at bay while also an acceptance that not all will make it through the winter and those that do, may not be the same the other side either.
I feel a kinship to that energy today and as I lit our own fire of hope, I felt many burdens burn away. Burdens to hold it together, to be strong, to light the way for others, to be the organised helpful one, to light the load for other, to be superhuman.
I’ve been shedding much of these burdens over the past year and I felt more rise and be released with the smoke tonight. I cannot carry the weight of all that expectation (placed upon me mostly by myself, but occasionally by others) and still manage to keep myself upright, strong and head high through the cold months ahead.
I am thankful for that release and for giving myself permission to let go. I feel the return of my humour, resilience, trust and faith that although today wasn’t a good day, many are and as the darkest longest night draws out ahead, I know the light will return.
To the earth, to my heart and to the hearts of my children too. It just might continue to be a little bumpy along the ride and that’s okay, because I can now be there for myself and therefore them at every wobble.
Blessed Solstice night my friends. May the light in your heart be bright and strong and your cup always overflow.
All my love